Feeling Guilty

Before you click on the you tube video, have your tissues ready.  I am forewarning you – you will want them.  This video has been around for a while. Yesterday was the first time that I viewed it.  It tugged at my heart and yes I cried.  Each time I watch it, I cry.  I really bawl when she wears her Dad’s shirt as a nightgown and it still smells like him.

The total of individuals who lost their lives during the September 11th attacks was 2,977.  So many more lives were affected by these deaths.  My heart goes out to anyone who lost someone during these attacks.  I cannot truly understand the emotions you went through and continue to go through.  I have not had anything like this happen to my loved ones., though I have loved ones who have passed.

When these attacks occurred I had just started my teaching career.  I was not a parent at this time.  However, I still thought about the children.  These poor children who lost their parent(s).  Some of them becoming orphans.  There were many of them whom had not even been born yet still growing in the womb.  They would not be given the chance to know their Earthly fathers.

Now being a parent myself I still think of the children.  It takes a different light now though.  I think about how blessed I am to be here with my 4 girls.  How sad I would be if I was suddenly taken home to God before I was able to see my girls grow.  I would feel awful for missing their firsts and their smiling faces daily.  I sit here feeling guilty, that I get to live my life with my children yet I sometimes take that for granted.  If I am honest I take that for granted more than I would like to admit.  When I get frustrated and yes happen to yell at my children, I feel guilty.  The author of that video would probably do anything to see her Daddy again even if it was just for a minute.  God please forgive me for not enjoying my children like I should.

I am going to be honest with you all.  I feel guilty for another reason too.  It has to do with my very own Earthly Father.  I have not seen him for the past 10 years.  I have tried to have a relationship with him several times.  I do not believe that he wants to have a relationship with me.  My children have never met him.  They only know about him because they have seen a picture from my wedding day and asked about him.  I am torn in regard to him because he is an alcoholic and there were so many ups and downs during the 21 years of my life that we lived under the same roof.  I do not want my children to experience the emotional roller coaster that I did growing up.  Nor do I want to relive that again.  It would not be fair to them or my husband.  I do wish things were different.  I will always love my Dad just from afar for now.  My guilt lies in that my Dad is alive and this author’s is not.  We share in wanting a relationship with our Daddy but cannot have one for different reasons.  I am sorry that I have my Dad on Earth and she does not.  God please continue to work on this broken relationship.  I believe you alone can restore this relationship in your time.

She brings up an interesting thought: Daddy can you see me?  This is something that I have pondered.  Can our loved ones see us from Heaven? I do not think they can see us.  I believe they are aware of our spiritual wellness.  I believe our loved ones whom have passed can and do pray for us.  I believe they definitely pray for those that have not been saved yet.  I imagine an announcement or bell being rung when another person has professed Jesus as their savior.  I imagine those in Heaven rejoicing and celebrating each and every time for each soul.